MARRIAGE NOTES – FIGHTING FAIR

Posted on February 16, 2011 by patandkrislarkin

When I think of the term “fighting fair” my mind goes to that really old cartoon of the referee in the middle of the boxing ring with the two characters (who I don’t remember).  The referee stars out with, “I don’t want to see any of this!” as he pokes them both in the eyes, “or this” as he hits them both below the belt.  This goes on until both fighters are so beat up, neither can fight!  So it can go with us in our marriage relationships.

Fighting, arguing or having spirited discussions are all part of our relationships and in order for us to have meaningful relationships, we have to have these discussions but…it is very easy once we become involved in one of these discussions to get amped up and say things that take away from the goal of getting to a point of resolution.  I’ve been there, as we all have…the more you listen or talk, the angrier you become and then as if I were a spewing volcano, it unleashes…those statements that I tried to recover and put back in my mouth, but they are out and the damage is done!

As I said, we have all been there, done that so now what.  Let me first start with a bible verse.  It doesn’t matter if you are a Christian, atheist, Muslim or anything else.  The fact of the matter is that The Bible IS wisdom literature.  I happen to believe it to be the inspired word of God but, don’t let that distract you.  The verse is this: “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:25-27.  For Kris and I, we have found that this verse has been a great motivation to work toward not allowing our anger and frustration to go unresolved and consequently allowing it to fester into resentment.   

One other foundational thing I want to share with you which will help you in resolving conflict is this: the first words in the book: “The Purpose Driven Life” by Pastor Rick Warren are: “It’s not about you.”  Think about those words.  I don’t know about you but for me, when I am angry at Kris or anyone else for that matter, there may be some validity to my anger; she forgot to pick me up from work; she forgot to meet me for lunch or she forgot to pay a bill.  But the real issue causing my anger to go where it goes is my mindset that it IS all about me!  In other words, how her mistake affected me, and how important I am or how busy I am… how dare she waste my time… like I am God or someone!

The last foundational thing I want to share with you is this; we cannot change anyone!  Now, I sense some disagreement on your part so I will say it again; you cannot change anyone!  Oh, we can exert our influence, but it is their decision to react however they are going to react.  For us to buy into the idea that we are going to change anyone is to subscribe to the lie that if they would only change then things would be better.  What a convenient way for us to take the spotlight off of ourselves and our faults!  The real issue I have found is changing myself.  That is the only person on the planet that I have the control over (sometimes) to change and besides, I have found that when I do change my behavior on a certain issue…others around me change the way they treat me…hmm…funny…huh?!

Now, let’s move into some tips about “fighting fair”…resolving conflict without further inflaming the situation and…actually getting to a resolution of your issue.  Ready? Here we go!

Here are some rules for a fair fight…I don’t want to see any of this or this or that…:

 Name calling…if you really want things to go south on you, call your mate a name…idiot will do the job nicely!.  It really doesn’t matter if you really believe in your heart that this person truly is a slacker or a right-winger, left winger or anything else.  Bringing attention to it during conflict does not serve to get you closer to your goal of resolving things.  It actually diverts you away from that goal and takes you down a whole other rabbit trail.  You will eventually have to return to the path of resolution at some point, now, with all the baggage you picked up on the rabbit trail, so why not just stay on the resolution path?!

 Cussing or excessive use of adjectives…these only serve to intensify the disagreement.  Think on these two statements: “It really makes me feel like you don’t value me when you forget to meet me for lunch” or “It really makes me feel like you don’t @*!*@*^%$ value me when you &@%*! Forget to meet me for lunch”.  I don’t know about you but for me, the first statement is going to sting and cause me to think before I speak.  But the second statement?!  That is going to get me to thinking about an “OH Yeah?!” scenario where I am looking for a statement to top it…and away we go!

 Use of Absolutes…can derail a discussion as easily as anything.  When anyone says to us you “always” or you “never”, again, I can feel the little hairs on the back of my neck standing up and it gets that “Oh Yeah?!” thing going again.  First of all, the statement is incorrect.  We as humans are not perfect machines and could not always or never do anything…I don’t care what it is.  The use of absolutes gives the conflict an element of absurdity that anyone will want to argue and defend…its easy and fair game.

 Talking about family members…is another sure way to send your conflict resolution off on another rabbit trail.  Yeah, your uncle is a goofball!  I can talk all day about the faults of my family members but the minute Kris agrees with me or initiates a disparaging remark about one of my family members…game over!  My tendency is to defend them (although I may know that my uncle is a goofball in my heart of hearts) and now I am far from thinking about the sun not going down on my anger…if it does…too bad…its her fault now!

 Conflict Resolution:

 

So how do you resolve a conflict?  This is basically the model Kris and I have worked through and taught to a lot of people and it really works.  Like anything else, though, you may want to follow this right down the list the first time or two.  But, we are not you and you will need to morph, or adapt this model to who you are and what works in your relationship.  Here it is:

 Cool off period…this doesn’t mean go home to mamma for 6 weeks.  By a cooling off period is go for a walk or a drive for awhile.  For us, we have found that it is very helpful to be in prayer and meditation during this time.  Not just prayer for God to change your mate but to show you honestly, what your part in this conflict is…how you have added to it.  But also just to get yourself beyond that point of being so mad that you truly cannot control what you say or do.  You are no good to your mate in this condition.  Take whatever time you need to get there.  Now, this is not to say wait until you are no longer upset by the conflict…that would be a long wait! You will still be upset when you get back together but in more control of your actions and emotions.

 Sit facing each other…focus, this is important.  This sounds goofy but for the first time or two just try it.  You will find that you will be less distracted (though sometimes we would like to be distracted so we wouldn’t have to deal with the situation!) and your discussion will be more productive.

 Pray Together…this can be a tough step.  If you can overcome your anger enough, hold hands and pray together for each of you to see your part in the conflict and to take responsibility.  Give the conflict to Him to work out that is His job.  Yours is to listen and follow His directions!

State the Problem…Each of you state the problem as you see it.  No interrupting now!  You will each get your turn! This will also help to clear up any misunderstandings. 

State your Contribution…Each of you state what you feel your part in the conflict is.

State the Resolution…Each of you state what you feel needs to happen for this situation to be resolved.  Remember to stay focused on yourself primarily and what you can do to resolve the situation.

 Work toward Resolution…Not every conflict will be able to be fully resolved. First, I want to walk you through the different levels of conflict resolution:  First is Acquiescence. This is when one of you basically, just gives up and says, “Whatever.”  “I’ll just go with whatever you want to do”.  Translation: I am giving up my position on this and shifting it entirely to you and may or may not continue to be angry with you…silently.  With Acquiescence, the party acquiescing is usually not happy with the outcome and may not feel free to continue to discuss the issue.  In this case, the issue is not resolved and will probably come up again…and again…and again. The next stage is compromise.  This is when you each give something up.  It is better than acquiescence but not as good as full resolution.  Rather than a win win, compromising is actually lose, lose, because you each gave something up.  The last form of conflict resolution is actuall resolution. Resolution is when you both agree.  One aspect of moving from compromise to resolution is to adjust your expectations…if the outcome you are looking for changes then compromise may not be necessary and you will be able to resolve. Try to move from conflict to either a compromise or resolution. 

 Pray…Pray together thanking God for helping resolve your conflict and also ask Him to heal your hurt and help you to stay resolved to making the necessary changes in yourself.

 Get on with Life!

 There you have it!  This may seem goofy at first but give it a try and I think you will be amazed at how much more aligned you and your mate will be.  Even in conflict, you will be working toward the same goal, no longer working toward your individual goals of winning or serving you own selfish desires.  You will be on your way to a closer, more meaningful relationship.

In summary, disagreements or “spirited discussions” are to be expected in any relationship.  The key is to resolve the disagreement causing the relationship to grow stronger rather than damaging the relationship and causing it to grow weaker.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Marriage Notes – Role Expectations

Posted on February 9, 2011 by patandkrislarkin

Another area to focus on hopefully, before you get married is role expectations.  Now, if you are married and haven’t addressed this issue . . . it’s never too late, do it now! 

I have to digress at this point for a moment.  First of all; my belief is that working through any challenging issue is much easier with prayer and being open to listening to God’s direction.  Without that, it is very easy for our humanly prejudices, selfish desires and hang-ups to get in our way.  Secondly, relationships . . . especially, marriage relationships, are all about communication.  You don’t have to have every issue or difficult subject in your relationship resolved  . . . many, never will be.  The thing is, to keep the communication lines open.  To be able to talk about the issues . . . you know what they say . . . it’s not as much about the destination as it is about the journey.  The journey is sharing with your mate when there are issues that need to be discussed and . . . being open and not defensive about discussing issues when your mate suggests to you that there are some issues that need to be discussed as well.

OK, back to role expectations.  I was born in the fifties, and my parents were pretty stereotypical for that era; my dad was the bread-winner, and my mom, a stay-at home housewife and mother.  I married Kris, a wonderful woman who is a real “doer” . . . an entrepreneur.  She tried doing being a stay at home person and it nearly killed her . . . it simply was not who she is.  You see,  in her family of origin (in English that means the family you grew up with  . . . or the family that most influenced you in your formative years) her father was the bread-winner and her mother stayed at home with the kids and attended college . . . at least while her children were small.  Once the kids were all in school, Kris’ mom joined the professional world where she flourished until she retired.  My point is that Kris’ and my families of origin and the role of our fathers was similar . . . so in that way, I was good to go.  On the other hand, the role of a wife in my mind was different from what Kris grew up with and the definition of what a wife did in her mind (in her family).  This didn’t mean that Kris’ viewpoint was wrong; it simply meant that it was different from mine.

Kris and I had to sit down and discuss what each of us expected the role of the other to be in our marriage.  You know, it’s easy for us to view what we grew up with as “the way things should be” and view any other perspective as “wrong”.  If we give in to that kind of thinking, chances are, discussions about role expectations probably won’t go very well . . . if they happen at all! 

I have a few suggestions for you:  1.) Commit to working through any of these kinds of issues with your mate . . .  or soon to be mate . . . with an open mind.  2).  Learn from what your family of origin gave you . . . but don’t hold on to it too tightly.  3.)  Having done 1 and 2, commit to prayerfully and openly exploring possibilities with your mate as to how you will allow God to craft your unique relationship and what each of your roles in your relationship will be.

Here is a brief construct for you and your mate to work through.  Answer these questions and then discuss them . . . with extra attention on the ones you answered differently:

  • I believe that it makes sense that the husband be the primary bread-winner?
  • I believe that it makes sense for  the husband and wife to both work?
  • Whose responsibility do you believe it is to keep the house or apartment clean?
  • Whose responsibility is it to fix dinner in the evenings?
  • When children join the family who’s responsibility is it to care for them . . .  feeding them, changing their diapers, etc?
  • When children are part of the family, will the kids will go to daycare or a baby sitter so that both, mom and dad can continue to work?
  • When the children are of school age, who’s responsibility will it be to shuttle them to after school activities; scouts, soccer practice, piano lessons, etc?

These should “prime the pump” and get you going.  Now, go and have some meaningful conversations!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Everything In The Heaven and Earth is Yours God!

Posted on February 9, 2011 by patandkrislarkin

Bible Verse:  Everything in the heaven and earth is Yours God and this is Your kingdom.  I adore that You are in control of everything. Riches and honor come from You alone You are the ruler of all mankind, Your hand controls power and might and it is at Your discretion that men are made great and given strength.  1 Chronicles 29: 11 – 12

 I first ran across this verse when my wife, Kris and I were doing the “Crown Ministries” bible study.  This study, which I will talk about more later is a study of the biblical principles given in the bible around our finances.  The whole idea of this passage was a huge “A-HA” for me and how releasing this was also.  To finally understand (that doesn’t mean that I will live by it all of the time but I’m working on that aspect) that I am not in control, nor and I responsible for whether or not I am successful; whether or not I am powerful or for that matter, whether or not I am blessed.  It is ALL up to God.  Look at the words I underlined in the verse . . . none of them are I, my, me or my.  God decides who is going to be blessed or successful or powerful.  The fact that “everything” in the heavens and earth is His means that EVERYTHING is his and in his control!

 This brings a lot of issues to the forefront.  First; if god is in control of everything, why don’t I just hang out at the beach or in front the television and wait for him to exercise His control and bless me or not bless me as He sees fit?  Should I be trying to exert any control or do anything about my circumstances?  One thing that this passage doe not mention that is in the bible in a lot of other places is that God want us to be in relationship with Him and that means to be serving Him.  God created us to love Him and to Love others as ourselves.  Those are the two greatest commandments of God.  So if we are doing that . . . .even in the smallest way, then I believe that God reveals to us what the next steps are that He has for us.  And the more that we are connected to Him and listening to his “still small voice” the more direction we will hear.  My experience has been that when I am hearing Him and being obedient to Him, then my life seems to go much smoother.  I think it is that only God knows the right paths for us to follow and when we decide that we are in control, then it is easy for us to get off of those paths and get into the briars where I don’t believe He intended for us to go in the first place.

 The other thing is our worldly definition of success and power versus God’s definition of those things.  Is success just going after a nice bank account, more stuff and prestige?  If so, then this pursuit will take us off into the briars again and we may achieve them, but we will not have a fulfilled life; a life of significance and meaning.

 So what does this have to do with marriage?  I challenge you to go back to the top of this and re-read it with marriage or relationships in mind.  I think you will have a different perspective when you finish.  My point is that we need to submit to God and let Him be the head of everything in our lives . . . we don’t qualify.  Have you ever been in a situation where someone held a position for which they weren’t qualified?  It isn’t pretty is it?!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Marriage Notes – Equally Yoked

Posted on February 9, 2011 by patandkrislarkin

What are the most important things in a marriage? I think the #1 thing is for the couple to be “Equally yoked”. A yoke is something the farmers use when teaming up two oxen or donkeys to say, pull a cart. The yoke is a long heavy wooden piece that connects to both animals. With the connection, the effort of the two animals is combined into one force. If one falters for a moment, the other pulls it along and vice a versa.

When I talk about a couple being equally yoked, I am primarily speaking about their spiritual life; if one member of the marriage is Christian and the other Jewish, they would be unequally yoked. When anything, just life happens then each of the couple will approach it from different perspectives, making it very difficult to reach resolution in a lot of issues that WILL come up in marriage.

Being equally yoked also speaks to other areas of our lives as well as marriage. Think about these yokings in terms of how they would affect marriage, the work place and parenting for instance: one person has a strong work ethic and the other is lazy, one is well-educated and the other is not, one is very materialistic and the other is not, one is constantly worried about what others think and the other is not. This is not to say that people who marry and are unequally yoked will never make it as husband and wife. It means that they better go into the situation with open eyes and willingness to roll up their sleeves and put in so time to work through the differences as soon as possible. If they wait and a crises comes before these things have been worked through, then the small stuff will appear in the crises as a giant monster doing all it can to slay your relationship.

Also remember that we are all involved in a spiritual battle every day; especially those of us who are believers in Christ. The enemy; Satan will use whatever he can to pull us away from our faith and effectiveness for God’s Kingdom. If that means alienating you and your spouse from one another then that is exactly what he will do. Again, if your relationship is strong and you have worked through many issues while calm and rational then you will be much better prepared for spiritual warfare in your marriage.

Kris and I were both Christians when we were married and were equally yoked in almost all areas of our relationship. I have to tell you that I believe that this one factor is the reason why, while our marriage has had its ups and downs, it has never been tough. I think that another factor in that is that neither of us has ever insisted that things be our way. We have always (mostly) been able to step back and see our own foolishness and come to an agreement on whatever the issue was. One area of marriage that will really exercise this muscle of submitting to one another and not insisting on your own way is parenting. If one of you tends to be the tough one and the other the more lenient one . . . it is a good ying and yang . . . to cover both perspectives, but it is also an area of differing opinions and when it is dealing with our kids . . . .we can get pretty passionate about our respective positions. Many times we both will have the same desired outcome in our parenting but the route we choose to get there may be widely different. Try to remember that you are not the expert in this . . . neither of you are and so you each have good, valid points but neither of you is infallible or right all the time. Now don’t point that statement at your spouse . . . it is intended for you to point it at yourself!
In summary; before entering into any relationship be it marriage, business, volunteering, look at the yoking and if it is not equal, how out of whack is it. If you choose to move forward with an unequally yoked relationship at least discuss and work on the differences before moving forward. The heat of battle is NOT the time for working on your “stuff”!

Our “New” Home in The Flint Hills of Kansas
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment